This will be my final post, and my final attempt to free myself from what has become the hardest year I have ever lived. I thought this emotional stress was simply a time where I will grieve for my loss; instead it has turned into something more than just stress.
January of this year, my virginity had been taken from me along with my confidence and self worth.
My best friend died this year, comitting suicide. This year two of my friends died in seperate accidents.
This year I was raped by three of my male friends. This year I was beaten, held at gun point and robbed. This year a man I thought I would someday be with neglected me.
I am lucky to be living, I am thankful something out there has kept me from killing myself. At night I talk to my dead best friend, and wonder why she left me here.
I can't avoid my past, my arms leave scars when I was beaten, when I was raped, when I went insane in my room the moment I found out my best friend had killed herself.
What hurts now, is the rejection. I had spent $1200.00 on a ticket to Denmark to embrace my love with a man that I knew would make me happy. I had spent $800.00 on gifts, including the gifts I brought home for Thomas. I cooked, cleaned and done his laundry. Yet, his behaviour had made me feel I was the ugliest woman on earth. He would constantly look at other women, he would not hold my hand in public and refuse to show any public affection. Whenever friends of his would meet him on the streets he would leave me to stand there without introduction, as if I were a filthy cat he had picked up on his way home. I was threatened to have the cops remove me from his apartment because of my constant crying.
I had cried day and night because he had refused to talk to me, he never apologized for his faults, disrespected my wish to not be touched within the first week because I was used and neglected by Matt, in January. He would yell out in the car how amazingly beautiful that woman was that walked passed by with her bike, while I was in the car.
I was never accepted by his friends because he would talk about me behind my back, he had told his friends the awful things I had done, instead of talking to me to get them resolved. I was surveillanced, constantly by him and talked about amongst his friends.
At times I had wanted to kill myself, in grief of misunderstanding everything. At times, I had looked down, outside of his window wondering if he would then cry for me, miss me, like me if I had died. I had felt lower than dirt, and uglier than any woman he'd ever seen. I had cried everyday because he had never given me the love I was told on the phone. He was ashamed of me, he never called me his girlfriend, but his guest.
I gave him a designer wallet he had refused, without saying Thank you, and said he couldn't use it because it had no coin pouch, I spent the money I needed to save to get back home on Giorgio Armani cologne I bought for him. I gave him everything I could to feel accepted. I gave him my heart, my cooking, my tears, my money in gifts. I had received nothing back. I was forced to go back home, and later dumped July 27th because of a brief misunderstanding. I had called his house constantly, and left messages on his voice mail because I had been beaten and robbed. I wanted to be comforted, he had not told me where he was and I had panicked. I didn't tell my parents because my parents would no longer trust me. I wanted to talk to my 'boyfriend' (at the time).
I had recieved an email saying he was being stalked and hounded, I called back to explain my situation, to finally tell him the secret I had held from him about my past. When I had the opportunity to talk to him he had replied "Sucks you got robbed.."
I had given him something of sentimental value, I had given him everything I could possibly give him, I had spent all the money I could. I had cried for his attention, and missed every moment I was away from him. I had sacrificed my love, my time, my worth with a man that never liked me, that never treated me like a treasure.
I feel like I am worth nothing, I feel I cannot get back up and love myself, every step I take to loving myself, I can feel the memories, the yells, the screams, the unappreciative behavior.
Until today, it plagues me; a misunderstanding, a confused event that I will never be allowed to question.
As I find ways to understand his behavior, if he ever did feel affection for me; he will indulge in life. Eventually, he will smile, laugh, and continue life. Now he is living life, without pain, with the constant stress of everday living. Maybe someday, I will.
Even though I was treated as such, I can't find a way to hate him. I can't find the heart to forget him, to leave everything I had worked so hard for. It kills me knowing he has simply carried on with life, it hurts knowing he hung up on me the night I called to ask if I could somehow be his friend. I cannot hate anyone, I cannot forget them.
The memories will never fade.
I just hope someday he can feel the pain, and understand it. I hope someday, we can smile at each other and accept the mistakes we've made.
I still hold with me, the gift he gave to me. The piece of amber he gave to me. The only thing I can remember him by, and the only thing that I will keep in my heart.
I don't love him
I don't hate him
I don't like him
I just want to someday understand, someday find peace within myself. I hope I can, and I hope I can stay strong. I thank you, Alisha for finding time, in your life to know me, and care.
It's all I ever wanted. Maybe someday I can live in a place where I am embraced for me, for myself, for what I am.
“I can't sleep as well as I used to. My face has only been one expression. I can't think of myself without thinking about what happened last month. I think about everything that has happened to me last month to what, a month ago, and I begin to cry.
I used to value my solitude. But now I'm scared to be alone because I begin to think about what happened.. and I feel upset. I'm living in this circle and I can't get out. I can't get out because I have no choice to understand what happened a month ago. I have no choice whether to ask why it happened..”
I found out a week ago that I am not with Jc, even though he made me feel like a pearl; there was something that happened legally speaking that had to end our relationship. It had nothing to do with him but he had to go back to his country.
I just came back from Texas. I had had fun only when I wasn't by myself. I figure, at this state I'm in, whenever I'm alone I think about what happened last month and I drive myself mad.
I'm slowly trying to build confidence, and it's working. Jc helped alot with that, and he still talks to me.
It's just hard knowing there was alot that was contributed and it ends faster and leaving no end result for the other. I hate to feel I am hated.
I never had any hate towards my past relationships to where I would not talk to them. I still talk to Adam, and others from time to time whenever they're around. I hate to think there are people, who don't know me, as a result of a break up (I.E - friends of his) that hate me for ridiculous reasons.
I just hate knowing I am hated by others, I hate that feeling.
So right now, after I got home from Texas; I sort of felt lonely. It's like, I felt I was in a relationship. I felt I needed to call someone and tell them where I am and how much I miss them. As absurd as it sounds, I am completely alone.
It wouldn't be all bad if I had a sense of humour, to jokingly take my state of being into a funny joke. That way I could shrug off months of committment.
I called Adam, since he's always around to catch my phone calls and worries about me from time to time. I also called my friend Colm, who I talked to for a bit about everything.
I'm very fortunate to have a friend like him. Colm suggested alot of what I should do in order to get my mind off of something that needs to be accepted as the past, and move on. Even though it's hard, I am trying.
I admit, I'm not giving 100% but I figure if I do things that will boost my confidence, socialize, develop a sense of worthiness to myself.
Matt's calling me again, he left two messages.
Suprising he's calling me again after what happened. I told Colm about this and he simply said he wants what he wanted before.
You know, it's hard thinking there are men out there that only want sex, that only want to fulfill a fantasy, a sexual fantasy. It's hard knowing men will use affection and words to satisfy sexual urges.
I will be honest, I have not witnessed reality as much as I should, take into consideration that the reason men sexually satisfy themselves could be several psychological reasons.
I don't hate Matt for what he did, but I don't love him enough to call him a friend.
I think he's trying to start something again with me. I find it repulsive that he will try and talk me into another situation like in January.
Wow, January already.
I can't believe all of this happened to me so quickly.
I still can't believe I came back from Denmark a month ago, I can't believe I was someone for more than 4 months, I still can't believe I lost my best friend. I still can't believe I was going through all of this.
And it's only August. It's only August, I should've forgotten everything, I should've smiled today and laughed that I'm still alive, I'm doing well and I have not tried to THINK about ending everything.
I should feel joyous that my aunt is doing well and she is not dead, that I made it safe driving from Texas to Florida.
I should be happy knowing my parents are still living and breathing, that my father is still alive knowing he could die because of all the alcohol he's consumed throughout his life.
So why am I crying over spilled milk?
That's a question I should've asked myself when I saw Matt driving off in his white pick up truck, when I walked off the plane onto American turf.
Not saying that the people I had experienced this with were bad, were awful, were no good. They're people too, and even though it will take some time to accept everything. I won't allow myself to hate someone for petty reasons.
It feels good receiving compliments, even though it's difficult responding to them.
I got several compliments from people while we stopped at the gas stations going towards Florida, from Texas. I sort of laughed them off and said Thank you. I remember someone told me that it's polite to say "Thank you" when receiving a compliment, instead of disagreeing.
Even though I don't want to sound arrogant or agreeable to compliments, I don't want to seem rude. But internally, I felt very flattered; and I did blush alot.
I took pictures of the places we went, I went to The Alamo and to Lufkin, Texas.
I was a bit depressed today, and still tired. I called Adam to talk to him for a bit about everything, he was nice enough to make me laugh. Which I did, he started making turkey noises and kitty sounds and I began to laugh again.
I feel better writing this, getting everything out with rational thought.
I suppose, if someone hates you; let them? What matters is that it doesn't consume your life, and hope that person will find peace with you someday.
I suppose that's the smart thing to do. Why should I let it bother me, let it consume the person I am and can be if one person; just one person cannot find peace with you?
I suppose it's not your fault, and it isn't arrogant to say it's not.
Liquid Soul - Salt Peanuts (Chocolate Covered Nut)
]
Today was a good day ^__^
I got to talk to Thomas today, and even though I moped and sounded like a crying cow I felt so much better! I was so scared he was avoiding me 'cause I called his cell phone like a lot. I felt good knowing he wasn't avoiding me n.n I called Vaidah for support cause she's my shoulder to cry on and the besteseses friend and she was like "You're over-reacting, just do something to distract yourself" and of course, I couldn't. I just started to quiver and then, Thomas called and wondered why I called so much and then when he told me what happened I felt so much better and then I went over to Vaidah and told her what happened. She then shook her finger at me and told me to stop it and I said "otay" n.n
Just to feel a bit better about myself, I went to the store to fetch my mother what she needed for the next two days we are without a refrigerator, since the fridge we have is broken and my parents just ordered a new one which will get here Wed. I drove around town just singing aloud to B'z, it was great. All that sorrow and mush I felt really did fall away when I was just by myself, screaming from the top of my lungs to B'z. Luckily I wasn't speeding, but it was great. ^__^
Oh! This morning I had a scary dream ;_; I called Thomas for comfort at 2AM my time, which was early his time; but I don't think he was awake. So I called Adam around 2AM and it sounded as if he was at the karaoke bar so I knew he wouldn't be able to talk to me. I was thinking of calling my friend Brian who has serious insomnia and said he didn't mind calling anytime, but when I called he said his phone was charging and he couldn't talk. So I was stuck sitting on my bed cause of the scary dream ;__;
It was basically, like. I was in this pool of water, where there wasn't exactly a place for me to swim towards and hold onto, everywhere it was just an endless surrounding of water, so I started to swim foward and I came across this island where I had seen my relatives and other people vacationing on. I had seen Ray Charles there and he was doing karaoke at the tiki bar on the island. All of a sudden there was this very tall man, he looked Russian and he started to recruite other people on his boat to tell the people on the island to stand in line and wait to die. There was this woman with me, her name was Gu-jong and she was holding onto me telling me to help her family and she'd help mine and so we started to find ways to killing the leader that began to dictate the people on the island.
I could see the people standing there, one of the executioners had put a rope around one of the people on the island and told him to put his hand on this metal box, it basically electrocuted him and he fell in this box that was dumped out onto the ocean.
It felt so real! ;__; and I woke up and couldn't go back to bed. Eventually I did and woke up in a pool of drool.
I'm otay now u.u but I miss my boyfwend sleeping next to me n.n
Lately, I've been getting sleepy around 9pm or 10pm, so I think I'm gonna go to sleepies now n.n
This entry will be in red because, I'm sure when I look back at my Live Journal I will want to deffinately read through this entry.
So I just finished looking back through my old Live Journal Account: http://puccapucca.livejournal.com/profile Looking back on that journal, the posts I made and how much fun I had when I was in that current phase in my life. Even though I was going through some shit, I managed to stay happy and care-free. I look back at the new Live Journal account that I have and I compare the two. This account is very depressing, emo and very much unpleasant to read. I know, lately I've been making very depressing voice posts. So I figure, this will be the last I will have posted on this account.
First off, let's look back on this year: January 2006 through July 2006.
January 2006th: The first time I meet Matt, the first time I let myself go. I firgure, I'm going to be with him. Even though our relationship was confusing because him nor I knew what exactly what we had. We both liked each other very much but we were not dating, nor were we in love. Matt couldn't date me because I told him I did not want to go through another military relationship. Especially for someone who isn't exactly with me and simply likes me. Regardless of our feelings we let our desires take the best of what was the more responsible and sensible thing to do. Matt used me to satisfy his urges and played with my heart; telling me he loved me and a week later telling me he was pressured into saying it. As well as being brutally honest about his impression of me. My self esteem no longer existed and I felt I could do nothing productive, nothing for my wellness , nothing that would boost my confidence and hope.
February, March, April 2006: Three friends die in seperate events. A friend from Highschool, a close friend who lived an hour from me and my best friend. Bianca died in a car crash; three other people were in critical condition, she was driving and she collided with another car going the opposite end. Ted, he was 25/26 when he died, I've known him for 4 and a half years and I've always known him to struggle with women but the first time his life goes well he discovers the greatest girlfriend he had ever had had cheated on him with his step-father; he had hung himself outside of his apartment. My best friend, who was closer to me than a few had died taking prescribed laxatives. She knew she was going to be in serious health problems if she took those laxatives but she took them anyway because she felt very ugly, she felt unattractive and kept calling me telling me she was very unfortunate to feel this way about herself. She killed herself, taking her chances because it was her addiction that killed her.
May 2006: I hate to talk about situations that deal with sexual harrassment but I'd rather let it out and forget it while I can. I was sexually harassed and raped by three of my friends I had thrown up half the alcohol I had consumed that night so I was partially conscious of what was going on but I couldn't defend myself. I remember bits and pieces but I still don't understand why my body refused to move.
The next day I had recieved a voice message from one of my friends telling me that he wasn't sorry and very much liked it. As well as telling me that he was drunk and felt he had no reason to apologize.
June, July 2006 I figured my trip to Denmark would help my terrible year. Little did I know my insecurities and fear of being neglected by another person I had strong feelings for kicked in. I thought I could conduct myself as a presentable girlfriend and a happy guest in Thomases apartment. I had given grief to each of his friends and as well as himself. I was inconsiderate of his family problems that I continued to let my insecurities, my fear of being neglected take the best of who I was. Because of that my stay was not as enjoyable as I would've hoped. At times it's hard to consider being a girl-friend to Thomas because of my poor behaviour. There was a time when he had wanted to leave me because he could no longer handle my manic episodes. I refused to relax and accept what I had, and now that I realized what i've done I wish I could go back and hold him in my arms and apologize for my paranoid attitude. It's impossible for me to do that so I gave him something that I had brought that meant alot to me, something that I know I would miss but feel comfortable knowing it was given to the right person.
I think of the little things we did together, and I layback in bed and smile because I can feel his voice in my head whenever I had asked him if he wanted to be with me. He held me and said "Yes" and I would ask him if he was mine and he would reply with a "Yes". Thinking about those moments, reassures me that he has tolerance and patience in me and he has faith in me that I will be able to show him who I am without the unnecessary episodes.
I look back at my old Live Journal entrys on my other account.
I was happy, I was funny; I was enjoyable.
Why can't I do that? What's stopping me? I have a wonderful boyfriend who likes me very much, who wants to be with me. I have a loving family, and I have many friends. Why can't I be happy?
Where's my confidence.? It was here a year ago, I just need to look under my bed, I'm sure it's there.
I'm in America now, no scratches no harm done. My flight from Copenhagen to Washington, Dulles was 9 hours, then from Washington to Miami airport was 3 hours, but we had to wait on the plane for 2 hours because of thunderstorms in Miami. So my plane was delayed two hours, I was sitting on the plane with a severe migraine; I felt like throwing up I just kept sleeping while we were waiting. I'm very sore, everywhere. I'm glad I got home safely though.
I got to see Boogie again, I missed him and I got to see the new dog as well, he's so cute. I got to see my family and my sister, since it was her birthday yesterday, so when I saw them outside of the section I was coming out of, I gave her a big hug and a happy birthday.
Even though I didn't do much in Denmark and I was always feeling down about something or feeling insecure and nervous, I really miss Denmark.
It's only been one day and I miss Thomas very much. I'm very lucky to have Thomas, even though he's going through stress and other situations of his own he finds time to be with me and make me feel better when I'm feeling insecure or depressed about things that have gone wrong. Thomas was very tolerant of my immature episodes, and patient. I don't know how to show my appreciation for him, to still want to be with me even though I was childish, nervous, insecure, inconsiderate and overanalytical. I figure getting a job and wiring him some money whenever I get paid, atleast a portion of what I get payed so he'd manage by himself, at the moment he's not financially stable.
I didn't get to kiss him good bye and I feel awful for that. However, everytime I think about that I think of the positive side of things. I'm with Thomas, he's mine, I know I'll see him again.
But for now, I promised to work on myself. I promised the time from now until I get to see him I'd be able to cleanse myself from depression, hysterical episodes, my insecurities and I know that knowing he's with me and he's mine; I feel so content with life right now.
Now I can focus on myself, because I feel safe having someone with me, who wants to be with me.
ARootbeerW (17:04:08): o-o Auto response from P tsu 9 (17:04:08): away P tsu 9 (17:04:10): -.- ARootbeerW (17:04:12): (^) P tsu 9 (17:04:15): (^) ARootbeerW (17:04:19): lies! P tsu 9 (17:04:25): ? ARootbeerW (17:04:34): youre not away at all ARootbeerW (17:04:40): im going to fail stats :-( P tsu 9 (17:04:45): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA P tsu 9 (17:04:50): HAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA P tsu 9 (17:04:54): good ARootbeerW (17:04:57): thats mean P tsu 9 (17:05:01): i know :D ARootbeerW (17:05:07): youre a dick ARootbeerW (17:05:11): pendejo P tsu 9 (17:05:27): pestas como un pinga P tsu 9 (17:05:28): tu mama P tsu 9 (17:05:33): (^) ARootbeerW (17:05:36): >( ARootbeerW (17:05:43): ;3; ARootbeerW (17:05:59): cute little mexican P tsu 9 (17:06:31): g2g P tsu 9 (17:06:34): ciao ARootbeerW (17:06:42): where are you going? P tsu 9 (17:09:34): your booty lane ARootbeerW (17:12:06): (^) P tsu 9 (17:12:17): after, i'm gonna stop by-ass crack corner P tsu 9 (17:12:20): biatch ARootbeerW (17:13:01): you better not go ARootbeerW (17:13:07): its going to rain nigger P tsu 9 (17:13:29): i hear acid rain, bitch P tsu 9 (17:13:49): so strong it melts the retinas from your eyeballs ARootbeerW (17:24:05): <3~ Auto response from P tsu 9 (17:24:05): away P tsu 9 (17:45:10): >O P tsu 9 (17:45:42): eats adam (>:[A D A M WR I G H T])
I went to Old Navy yesterday and the mall and bought a few things for my trip. I was bored in the car so I took pictures of everything we drove by. I orded these pants from Old Navy that were like 50$ and they fit really tight! I'm thinking of wearing them this coming week, the whole week so I can have them fit me a bit more loose. That's what happened to my other pair of pants, they were tight when I bought them but they fit perfectly now.
You can click on them <3
Dell used to love Intel and Intel only. Dell just started using AMD, selling high-end servers built on chips from AMD; even though some of their most popular products will still include Intel. Wonder why they're using AMD now, I'm assuming Intel down down 18% for them.
Today was an exceptionally good day. I packed most of everything for my trip next Thursday. I don't feel like discussing that right now though, I was thinking ablot. Mixed feelings, I guess you could say. I've never gone to great lengths to persue a desire that would seem petty to others, except Hollywood.
It's frightening, when thinking about it; having the fear of not obtaining an expected status from the other. Expecting to find that if this turns out to work, what's the future?
I suppose I can discuss this when I'm actually in the situation, not just trying to generalize it so I can avoid seeming typical. When I think about it, there's nothing more I'd want. After hearing other people who object to my wishful thinking, it's strenuous stepping onto a platform that establishes the beginning of your decision.
Disregarding the recent experiences, disregarding the emotional confusion; there's , surprisignly, a undying impulse to capture the perfect picture.
I suppose having experiencing Hollywoods representation of flawless devotion for two; makes me want to grab it, keep it, and smile.
I have not updated my Live Journal in a while so I've decided to update it with a recipe I just created today. I'm not much of a guru on soup-making but I love soup. I decided to try making some soup because my mother bought some bread that just tastes so good with warm-satisfying and very creamy soup.
Here's the recipe I made that I wrote in my note book so I won't forget it:
Put all this in a blender, puree it for as long as you want your soup, thickened or liquified. I added a bit of flavouring to the rest when it was all done, I added a spoon of butter, I squeezed some llime and added sour cream.
I didnt want to add too much or then it would disenergrate the taste of each vegetable. I could taste the carrots and the corn the strongest. It was very light and very good, it didn't make me full it, rather, made me very satisfied.
I ate this wonderful soup with the bread; I don't know what the bread is called but I've seen it in paintings and in movies; which, to me would signify that it's probably a type of european bread commonly baked in homes of lower or middle class dwellers in old Europe. It's very good, not too soft and not too hard.
Yes, this was the best picture, I think, that captured the colour of the soup.
Here are the other pictures that were not as good as this one. I'm no photographer but I just thought I take a picture of the soup since it had great colour.
“okay we are like out here hanging out and stuff. and like there is a cop keep coming aorund and stuff. huh? like he keeps driving around like our hispanics are going to do somehting that could violate the law. -???- wtf hell is he doing why is he coming over here!? "roahdaahdafhahahsadhdf" he doesn't see me, anyway.... anyway we are going to hang out with jose and stuff.... wow can this phone post can this phone post be any longer geeze roxi, holy crap”
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